Hey there, and Welcome to my world of Krazy! If you are visiting to check out my art journal pages, please let me know you've been here. If you've stumbled upon me by accident, you are welcome anyway! And if you are here to read about the ups and downs of my Krazy life, feel free to comment as well, there is safety in numbers and it's nice to know I'm not alone!

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Life is Like a Checkerboard

 By Middle Krazy
My middle Krazy, is a beautiful 10 year old girl.  She's strong-willed, stubborn, intelligent, independent, and thoughtful.  I worry about her the most.  In a complicated world of various subtleties and shades, she lives in a world of her making that is black and white.  There is very little room for error or gray areas in her life, or for compromise.  There is a right and a wrong, and woe to you if you are in her perceived wrong.   More and more lately, she is sad, and is unable to communicate why.  She is sensitive, and I know that the complications with Little Krazy has been very hard on her to say the least.  She, like me, often bears the brunt of his anger and attention both positive and negative.   She internalizes everything, and eventually, like a pot on the stove left to boil, she blows her lid and froths over.  Last night was a melt down of epic proportions.  To the casual observer, it would have seemed over something as trivial as sharing a large piece of craft grass with her brother.  I knew better, she was heading for a melt down the minute I arrived home from work.  Nothing little Krazy did or said was to her liking, which left her huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf.  Trying to dispel the feeling of discontent I offered to do some art with both.  So we settled in to do some journaling and painting.  Needless to say, it escalated to the point that it was no longer relaxing and enjoyable, and middle Krazy took off up the stairs like a tornado stomping and wailing.  As I calmly cleaned up with Little Krazy downstairs, I could hear her kicking the door to her room, stomping and ranting the whole way.  Someone wanted my attention and badly.  Her behaviour although not pleasant, was allowed.  As long as it is contained to her room, and is not directed at a person or damages the house, I see no problem with her letting off her emotional steam.  It's hard to listen to, and it's hard to accept, but really, I understand the need for her to let it out.   My attention is only given when it is calm enough to hold a conversation.  However, when she started chanting, nobody cares about me, nobody cares about me, I had to step in.  She was holed up in her closet... and it broke my heart.  "I don't know what's wrong with me", she wailed.  How desperately I want her to believe me when I say "Baby, there is nothing wrong with you!"   The honest truth is, there is something going on with her brain chemistry, and I'm scared.  CBT is a long process and so far her resistance and negative self talk has proven difficult to overcome.  She's on a wait list for group therapy for kids with anxiety, yet it feels like a ten year wait.  Today, and last night, have been overshadowed by a dark cloud.  You are only as happy as your least happy child, and right now, I'm feeling miserable.
Be Safe

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Down the Rabbit Hole

This is my take on the challenge Once Upon a Time on "A Year in the Life of an Art Journal" blog. It's collage, gesso, tissue and Pen. This challenge really resonated with me as I have been incorporating Alice in Wonderland in my art journal a lot these days. Trying to reason out the why my affinity for Alice, has led me to some interesting places. Much like Alice, my life recently has felt like I've fallen down the rabbit hole to strange places both mentally and emotionally. It has been a journey of self-discovery and not all of it has been pretty. However, hopefully like Alice, I will return from this adventure stronger, wiser and ultimately a better person!


Friday, 28 September 2012

Another day, another grey

Mr. Krazy has been gone for 3 days now.  I want to smack him.  Lol, no, not really.  He's working hard so we can have roof over our heads, and food on the table.  The fact that he's up at a beautiful cottage on a gorgeous lake doing said work is only a little irritating.  Middle Krazy was full of anxiety last night, high emotions, frustration and tears.  Her moods can change on a dime, and it takes very little to upset or annoy her.  Heck, we can't even chew our food with out her stomping out of the room.  We have started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with her, but she is pretty resistant to try out the techniques at home.  We are trying very hard to curb the negative self-talk, but it remains an uphill battle.   Yesterday, her frustration was over a torn piece of paper... yes a torn piece of paper.  She tries so hard to do everything right the first time, that the slightest deviation is devastating at times.  In this case it was an origami lotus flower, I feat which I found amazing in and of itself.  Middle Krazy tends to internalize everything, so I am sure, the rip in the paper was only the catylyst and not the underlying problem.  Getting her to think about what the real problem is, that is the challenge.  Last night she said to me, "Mumma, sometimes I feel so sad, and I don't know why."  That breaks my heart, and gives me hope all at the same time.  Just the fact that her little soul feels sadness is gut wrenching, but the fact that she is verbalizing it to me is a huge step in our communication.  What's a mom to do?  A long hug, and a simple explanation that it's okay to feel sad sometimes, and that I'm always there to talk seemed to help.  I heard somewhere once that "A mother is only as happy as her least happy child".  Truer words never spoken.


Thursday, 27 September 2012

Eat it!

Just a quick post today.  Mr. Krazy is away for work until Saturday, so I am solo-parenting.  Never easy.  When Mr. Krazy asked me if it was okay that he go for 4 days on a work project.  I said "Sure, No Problem".... sometimes... I eat my words.  I eat my words a LOT!  I'm so full of things I, A. Never should have said, B. Never Should have agreed to, and C.  Never really felt.  I'm so full it's disgusting really.  Take for example a current job which I agreed to.  I didn't really want to, it pays really poorly, it's not my area of expertise, and it makes me sweat like a pig.  Instead of saying "No, thanks for the offer" which my brain was screaming at me to say, my mouth, which has a brain of its own opened happily with a smile, and said, "Sure, No Problem!"  To which my brain shook it's head sadly.
The moral of this story I must learn to say what I feel, instead of what people want me to say.  People pleasing is something I do best, but at the detriment to my own mental sanity.  The upside is I might lose a little weight doing this job, and the bit of money I earn.. I'm going to spend it all on me for a change.  The next time I'm asked.. I might just say "Let me think about it first."... Baby steps!


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Falling into the Bucket

My Krazies and I (AKA my family)  have put together a fall bucket list.  We started with a summer bucket list as a way to help bring our family closer together, and it was pretty successful.  Each Krazy had input on the list.   This past year has been very difficult as we have been struggling to understand our littlest Krazy.   Our confusion and inability to understand his behaviour has literally driven a wedge between my family.  Little Krazy, for lack of a better definition is an explosive, spirited child with anxiety.  He is as unpredictable as the weather, and as temperamental as a storm.  My hope with the bucket list was to plan activities both big and small to add some much needed fun, and lightness in our life.  We still have a long ways to go as partners and as a family to close the rift, but my hope is that our love and strength will see us through.  Our Fall Bucket List, and subsequently our Winter Bucket List will also help to keep us active during the long days ahead.  Our list is ever changing, growing and expanding to meet the needs of our crazy life  It is my thought that if we are sufficiently busy during hibernation season, we will be less likely to fall into a rut. 

The Krazy's Fall Bucket List
  • Visit a Farm
  • Pick Apples
  • Pick our own pumpkins
  • Make Candy apples
  • Jump in Leaves
  • Trick or Treat
  • Make Maple cookies
  • Go on ski lift chair ride to see fall colours
  • Make apple pie from scratch
  • Collect fall leaves
  • Go for a country drive
  • Make Apple Cinnamon Bread and Apple Butter
  • Put on a puppet show
  • Carve pumpkins
  • Visit St.Jacobs
H.K (Head Krazy)

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Weathering the Storm

 The coming of winter fills me with trepidation.  Oh, I love the fall, the crisp blue skies, the smell of falling leaves, and pumpkin pies, but in the back of my mind is the niggling thought of the coming cold.   Like many people who suffer from Depression, the winter is a hard time of year.  Living north of the 49th parallel, winters are long, dark and cold.  I often liken myself to a bear, wanting to hibernate between November 1st to sometime in Mid-March or April.  (Sometimes later, depending on the year) However, as much as I might want to sleep the winter months away, having a three kids, a dog and an husband, prevent me from indulging in such behaviour.  The winter of 2011/2012 saw me in what a now realize was a depressed episode.  Long days spent in bed, no motivation, irritability, something I should have recognized easily.  Hindsight is always 20/20.   I was first diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression after my daughter was born in 2002.  Looking back on my life before that, I realize that there were several episodes during my teenage and college years that fit the model for depression. 

****Embarassing anicdote.  While blogging the above, there was a knock at the door revealing my son's therapist (that's a blog post for another day) who was here for a scheduled home visit.  I completely forgot!   Answering the door in my pajamas, the breakfast dishes still on the table, and the dog took the opportunity to poop in the living room.  AIIIIII!!!!  Could it have been any more awkward.  Thankfully, she's a wonderfully laidback and easy going individual.  Still not one of my finer moments.  End embarassing anicdote***

Anxiety and depression have rooted themselves genetically in my life, and like my mother before me, I have seemly passed those genes onto my daughter and son.  The good news is that at the tender ages of 10 and 5 respectively, they are receiving help and learning to manage their personal emotional rollercoasters.  My hope is that with a better understanding at a young age, they will never feel like they are misunderstood, hopeless, unnormal or without sanity. 

So with the coming autumn and winter months I've made a conscious decision to blog, art journal, and create a bucket list, to fight back the dark depression that usually overcomes me during the long winter days.  I'm hoping this will leave me more at peace and a little less wilted when spring rolls around. 

H.K. (Head Krazy)


Sunday, 23 September 2012

The Beginning

Where to start... WHERE TO START. Maybe I should start with the whys of this blog. My intentions are purely self-centred. This blog will be a tool, an outlet if you will, to express my thoughts and emotions both artistically and through the written word. I will be honest with myself here, and will not hold back for fear of recrimination. This is my safe place to express all my dreams, worries, anger, fears, desires, needs, wants. If you are along for the journey, WELCOME, I promise no destination, but you're in for a hell of a ride!