Hey there, and Welcome to my world of Krazy! If you are visiting to check out my art journal pages, please let me know you've been here. If you've stumbled upon me by accident, you are welcome anyway! And if you are here to read about the ups and downs of my Krazy life, feel free to comment as well, there is safety in numbers and it's nice to know I'm not alone!

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Life is Like a Checkerboard

 By Middle Krazy
My middle Krazy, is a beautiful 10 year old girl.  She's strong-willed, stubborn, intelligent, independent, and thoughtful.  I worry about her the most.  In a complicated world of various subtleties and shades, she lives in a world of her making that is black and white.  There is very little room for error or gray areas in her life, or for compromise.  There is a right and a wrong, and woe to you if you are in her perceived wrong.   More and more lately, she is sad, and is unable to communicate why.  She is sensitive, and I know that the complications with Little Krazy has been very hard on her to say the least.  She, like me, often bears the brunt of his anger and attention both positive and negative.   She internalizes everything, and eventually, like a pot on the stove left to boil, she blows her lid and froths over.  Last night was a melt down of epic proportions.  To the casual observer, it would have seemed over something as trivial as sharing a large piece of craft grass with her brother.  I knew better, she was heading for a melt down the minute I arrived home from work.  Nothing little Krazy did or said was to her liking, which left her huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf.  Trying to dispel the feeling of discontent I offered to do some art with both.  So we settled in to do some journaling and painting.  Needless to say, it escalated to the point that it was no longer relaxing and enjoyable, and middle Krazy took off up the stairs like a tornado stomping and wailing.  As I calmly cleaned up with Little Krazy downstairs, I could hear her kicking the door to her room, stomping and ranting the whole way.  Someone wanted my attention and badly.  Her behaviour although not pleasant, was allowed.  As long as it is contained to her room, and is not directed at a person or damages the house, I see no problem with her letting off her emotional steam.  It's hard to listen to, and it's hard to accept, but really, I understand the need for her to let it out.   My attention is only given when it is calm enough to hold a conversation.  However, when she started chanting, nobody cares about me, nobody cares about me, I had to step in.  She was holed up in her closet... and it broke my heart.  "I don't know what's wrong with me", she wailed.  How desperately I want her to believe me when I say "Baby, there is nothing wrong with you!"   The honest truth is, there is something going on with her brain chemistry, and I'm scared.  CBT is a long process and so far her resistance and negative self talk has proven difficult to overcome.  She's on a wait list for group therapy for kids with anxiety, yet it feels like a ten year wait.  Today, and last night, have been overshadowed by a dark cloud.  You are only as happy as your least happy child, and right now, I'm feeling miserable.
Be Safe

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